We say “invest in yourself, and you’ll find love” — but what if you’ve already done that?
New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday — it can be infinitely optimistic, you get to eat fatty snacks, and if you’re dating someone, you might be able to kiss them at midnight. What’s not to love?
I spent this New Year’s with my sister. It was great, especially compared to the last two, where I was alone, and fell asleep at 8. But I couldn’t help feeling that it wasn’t enough — I wished I had a partner to share it with, as well.
For feeling this way, others have told me that I’m greedy — “you have it all, why can’t you appreciate what you got?”
I do — but I can’t help how I feel. I saw my sister again last night, and I told her that no matter what I do — no matter how much I redirect this feeling into bettering myself — it’ll always be there.
Society spurns this — it’s codependence; it’s low self-worth; it’s desperation. But I frame it in terms of the following quote, from the movie Magnolia:
“I have so much love to give, I just don’t know where to put it.”
It’s not a lack of self-love, it’s just an over-abundance of love, in general — which is a good thing.
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Since October of last year, I’ve been off dating apps. I did it partly because of COVID, but mostly because I was addicted to them.
It’s hard, because I hate being passive. I’m someone who likes to make my own luck. So dating, in this way, is hard.
If I do find someone, it’ll be worth it. But the minutes, seconds, and hours in between, feel long.
For others in the same situation, I suggest embracing that feeling. It’s ok to feel “desperate,” because it comes from a good place.
To do so, is to accept yourself. And if we accept ourselves exactly where we’re at, then it’s easier to do the same to others. Maybe it’ll even attract the right person.
As Mary J. Blige says — “That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.”