I: Ari

Content warning: Explicit descriptions of sex; racially-motivated police violence.

—

We hooked up the day before my sister’s birthday

You opened up to me about your childhood

We sat on the couch together, on opposite ends

I said, “I feel like you’re comfortable around me”

You made that humongous grin, eyes squinting

“Yeah, I guess so”

—

I remember the second time we hooked up

I was running a fundraiser for the family of a Black man, who was murdered by the police

I told you, and you said, “Really?? That’s so cool!”

—

I parked my car a couple of doors from your house

You got in, the late afternoon sunlight streaming in through the line of trees

Grinning that grin again

“You’re so cute,” I said, and kissed you deeply

—

I remember standing across from you, while you sat at my kitchen island, before we had sex

You went silent, smiled, and came across the threshold

I smiled, and felt your sides, which were bare, because of the cutoffs you were wearing

Before, when I had tried to kiss you, I fumbled, because I couldn’t manage to wrap my lips around yours

This time, it was no problem

—

After we finished, I kept thinking of the ending of American Beauty

Where the protagonist, Lester Burnham, says

“I can’t feel anything but gratitude — for every single moment of my stupid, little life”

Part of why I remembered that was because our situation was similar

The protagonist’s name is “Lester Burnham,” an anagram for “Humbert Learns”

Humbert was the protagonist of “Lolita”

Like Lolita, you were young when we met

18 years old, still a senior in high school

—

The last time I saw you, we were at a gay men’s retreat

Two weeks before it, I wrestled with whether I should go

Because I had confessed, over text, that I had always had feelings for you

You hadn’t responded

—

Our last night there, in the evening, they had a drag show

Instead of going, I went back to my cabin, alone, since my feelings were overwhelming

To find some calm, I watched one of my favorite performances on YouTube

“Feelings,” by Nina Simone, played at the Montreaux Jazz Festival

“I wish I never lived this long,” she sings, referencing her lost love

—

Afterward, feeling like I had let you go, I went to your cabin

You and some others were blasting Beyoncé’s latest album

Someone put on “Big Energy,” by Latto, and the room came alive

Everyone took their turn twerking

You changed into some white hot pants, and took your turn

Twirling off the top bunk, in a fervor

Afterward, sitting next to me, you asked

“What do you want things to look like, going forward?”

I looked at you, feeling excited, but also confused

“Let’s go outside and talk”

—

Sitting on a bench, I said that I didn’t want to pursue two things at once —

A situationship with you, and finding someone else to be my life partner

You picked at your pants, telling me how I inspired you, and pleading with your eyes

Eventually, I gave in, and kissed you

—

I missed the familiarity of your lips

Holding them in mine, and nibbling gently

—

You asked if you could hold my hand, as we walked to the last event of the retreat

A bonfire, where we would throw a stick into the fire

And say how we felt about life

I tossed my stick, and thanked god for giving me clarity

You threw your stick in, and expressed gratitude for finding a community that looked like you:

Young, Black, and queer

—

After sitting back down, you started shivering violently

A few minutes passed, and I asked if you were getting eaten up by mosquitoes

“No, I’m just cold,” you said with a smile

I put my hoodie over you, and you leaned on me

—

We talked about spending the next day together, after the retreat was over

But in the morning, you stuffed your belongings into my friend’s car

I asked you if it was ok if I took you home instead, and you agreed

But something didn’t feel right

—

Everyone from the retreat got lunch at a dairy farm, on our way out, and I asked if you still wanted to spend the day together

“I dunno, my friends have been blowing me up”

—

We walked to my car in silence, and you slept, while I drove you back

“I Care 4 U,” by Aaliyah, played on the radio, as I tried to concentrate on the road

I felt furious, and completely alone

—

I dropped you off at your dorm, and we kissed, but afterward, I stood there, staring

You smiled, confused

“What?” I asked

“You keep looking at me”

“I’m just sad that I have to go”

—

I searched for a coffee shop afterward

Sitting with a double iced Americano, I stared out the window, and my mind went somewhere far away

—

A couple weeks later, I was telling an old friend about the retreat, over the phone

After mentioning that I had dropped you off at your dorm, she went silent

“Aaron, how old is this person?”

“19”

“Jesus Christ”

I sat, waiting for her to process

“That’s…predatory…”

My heart raced, but I stayed silent

“I have to go,” she said, “before I say something I regret”

She texted the next day, apologizing, and saying she needed time to think

Two weeks later, she broke off our friendship, over email

—

It’s been two years, but I think about you every day

My heart is paralyzed by love, but also deep shame

There’s so much I still want to say

I miss you

And wish I could convey

How much you always meant

To me.

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